Bedside Manners
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: In the hospital after the fight with Barragan, Soifon looked at Omaeda Marechiyo's lips. Was it love that bubbled up inside her, or just the overwhelming desire to beat the living daylights out of her subordinate?


**Bedside Manners**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

**A/N: Vivienne wrote this Byakuya/Renji thing by the same name. And I swear the title stuck to my head more than the actual fic. I mean the fic was good and all, but the title cracked me up. I couldn't help but think of manners by a different sort of bedside. **

**Let's have Marechiyo injured somewhere, somehow, during Barragan's battle. A literal brush with death. Lyrical, yeah?**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

His lips were way more defined than hers.

Nothing else entered her mind at that moment. His lips were pouting at her. He lay sprawled on his defeated elephantine back and his lips clung together in miserable lifelessness. Pursed. Pink.

Fucking annoying.

"I told you not to die…"

It was Kuchiki Byakuya who was willing to stand beside her. "He still breathes."

Well wasn't that a comfort? Soifon snorted and turned away from her lieutenant. Byakuya lifted an eyebrow.

"Aren't you being—"

"Antagonistic?" Soifon said dismissively, "Yes. If he's alive, the 4th Division can take care of it. Waste of time in my opinion, though…"

"I was going for heartless." Byakuya touched the hilt of his sword and pointed his face away from her. "He acted out of loyalty to you."

"He should have had more faith in my ability."

"Faith," Byakuya repeated, "In his captain. Yes, that's an admirable quality…one I do not seem to remember you yourself possessing at a younger age. But then we all grow up to learn from our mistakes, don't we?" His eyes cast over her for a reaction. "Soifon."

A flash of gold, and Yoruichi disappeared in her mind's eye all over again. She clenched her fists. "Listen, Byakuya—"

"I will not." He would _**never **_stop being stubborn and there was _**nothing **_she could do about it. "I have my own lieutenant to look after. Not to mention my sister. I must take my leave, Soifon-taichou." He dipped his head and stepped away. A dagger twisted in her heart.

The 4th Division took a long time to come to Marechiyo's aid.

000

What do you do when your captain is a woman who has never shown you any scrap of kindness, never been inclined to care for your well being or given you paid leave or even a _**smile **_and an enemy is set to plunge his deathly claws into her breast with all the power of a speeding cannonball?

Omaeda Marechiyo had settled for throwing his body and his glory star between the two, and he had ended up in Unohana Retsu's intensive care unit.

Soifon had been ready to die for Yoruichi because Yoruichi was someone worth dying for. It was _**glamorous **_to die for a woman like her. What reason to die for Soifon, who was nothing but skin and bones and well harnessed anger? What had Marechiyo been thinking? Hadn't she said 'don't die'? He couldn't have expected to survive that blow that he had expected to finish off his captain. He had deliberately disobeyed her order. He had deliberately chosen death.

"Do you think he was stupid enough to not consider what would happen?"

Soifon remembered Yoruichi smelling like smoke and oranges. A hundred years of mortal world bullshit replaced the oranges with a sour something that Soifon didn't like as much. Random winds in her head whispered the word _Kisuke _and Soifon shook her head.

"Even Omaeda isn't that stupid."

"Then he acted involuntarily to protect you. How romantic."

"He knew that if I died the enemy would turn on him." It _**burnt **_to have her call anything romantic. If putting life on the line was what it took, how many times had Soifon put for Yoruichi? Did that make her romantic as well? A hot blush pinched her cheeks and she wanted to clench a fist but Yoruichi picked up her hand and…and…she kissed it. Soifon's head shot up and Yoruichi kissed her forehead, too.

"So good to be back. So good to see you watching over him, even if I didn't watch over you as well as I should've. So good that you haven't changed because of my betrayal, Soifon."

"Yoruichi-sama…"

The goddess of flash twisted her lips into a smile and walked away.

But this time, perhaps, not for a hundred years?

000

If anyone in the 4th Division found it odd that Soifon sat by Marechiyo's side day and night and those awkward times between the two, they mentioned it not. Working under Unohana Retsu beat the fear of anyone else out of them but Soifon wasn't inclined to call it pity, either. What they showed toward her. It was more an _I knew it all along _that _**none **_of them were entitled to because none of them knew Soifon. At. All!

Ushouda Hachigen brought what was easily the most likely thing to cheer up the bereaved captain should she ever admit to being bereaved and in need of cheering up.

"I recall making you a promise to lock Kisuke in my kido cage for a month. Tomorrow is the first. An auspicious day."

Soifon sighed a smelly sigh from lack of sleep, sustenance and sunshine. "Later."

Marechiyo muttered and stirred. If it was a coma, it wasn't one Retsu was familiar with. Her methods obstinately showed his reiatsu, his body were sleeping except for the equally obstinate truth that they couldn't wake him up. All this incompetence had hardened Soifon's heart against the 4th Division's captain. What use was the woman if she could cure neither Ukitake Jyuushiro's tuberculosis nor Marechiyo's deathly sleep? Failure upon failure upon failure…

Hachigen put a heavy hand on her shoulder. "There's no reason for him to not recover."

A zinging spark of acute grievance straightened her spine to the point of breaking. "Who said I care if he recovers?"

Why else would she spend her time by his bed?

"He means nothing to me."

Then perhaps she could wrench herself away from his side to come attend to her _**duties. **_Unless she's forgotten the word?

"He's a man who ought to be punished for his staggering levels of stupidity and defiance of authority. The reason I sit here is to be the first to beat him uglier than he ever was the minute he wakes up."

Aha! A display of faith. So she could see no other alternative but for him to _wake up._

Hachigen smiled in a different way from Yoruichi and kept his hand to himself. But for a brief departure from his body to place a small packet of rice cakes on the table, along with a sealed bottle of tea, his hands remained resolutely to himself. Soifon waited all of three seconds before ripping into the food and drink. Hungry work, waiting. Thirsty job, biding. A body like hers wasn't made for withstanding physical hardship and Yoruichi remembered, and Hachigen volunteered. The Shihouin princess might've come herself but _**someone **_had to carry on 2nd Division's daily business while Soifon was displaying this rare example of whimsical caprice and who better than the captain that had come before the little wasp?

Soifon wiped her mouth on her sleeve and stared at Marechiyo's lips.

"Thank you."

Grudgingly spoken and wholeheartedly meant, the words brought a shimmery wetness to Hachigen's eyes.

"It's not a problem. Someone will be by with your next meal at sunset."

000

Who allowed that someone to be Urahara-goddamn-motherfucking-Kisuke?

"Leave."

"Oh my, Soifon-kun! Such hateful reiatsu! Am I meant to be the receiver? But wherever should I deposit then this delicious meal of ayu and crab that Yoruichi-san sent along with me?"

It was one thing to turf Kisuke out of her presence _**for his own good **_because Soifon hadn't forgotten for whose sake it was that her goddess abandoned her but totally another to turn down Yoruichi's affectionate gesture because Soifon hadn't forgotten for whose sake she loathed Kisuke.

"On the table. Leave."

"Your language teacher would be quite appalled at those fragmented sentences, Soifon-kun!" And the sandy haired sack of foul qualities sat beside her, fanning himself like a debutante under too much attention from too many men. "You don't honestly hold anything against me? Not still, not after all these years of being apart and pining for each other? I quite missed you from our days at Yoruichi-san's mansion—you started out as her bodyguard, didn't you? I'm sure you've missed me too!

"Now it's my firm belief that we should spend as much time as we can getting reacquainted but Hacchi mentioned some childish sort of bargain you struck with him during the fight with that Espada, Barragan and I must say, Soifon-kun! A month is not the kind of time we have to waste in falling in love all over again!"

What kind of complete and utter fool did Soifon look like to this jackass?

"Leave."

So he did, but not before one further foolish act that caused Soifon to swear and try to persuade Hachigen to extend Kisuke's time in the kido cage from one month to _**eternity.**_

"I know better than most, Soifon, the terrible guilt of not being able to save one's dear subordinate. Hiyori forgave me. He will forgive you."

As if that was the problem…! The baffling audacity…! The speechless arrogance to assume…! That rat bastard…! Soifon would _**fucking**_...!

Retsu walked in, and smiled benignly at the seafood dinner scattered all over the floor and Soifon's furious face. Scaaarrryyy. The 2nd Division's captain offered to get the cleaning staff. Retsu smiled wider. She offered to get a mop herself.

"How kind of you, Soifon-taichou. Of course, she who sins must atone."

Making a mess under Retsu's nose. Right up there with murder and coveting the neighbor's wife.

000

Kuchiki Byakuya, round two.

"That demon brute is also in the infirmary."

"Zaraki?" Now _**that **_got Soifon's attention. "Who did it?"

Byakuya was dying to say it was him. _**Dying **_to. She could see it in his edgy eyes and wooden face. But to do so would be to lie and that was something Kuchiki Byakuya purely didn't do. Soifon waited for him to swallow his pride and spit it out.

"The common cold."

No one was exempt from the indignity of the sniffles. Of course men like Zaraki Kenpachi never had dignity in the first place, so that was wasted there. It surprised her to know that the man had checked in for such a trivial reason, though.

"He made the mistake of sneezing in front of Unohana-san."

Oh.

The woman was a menace. Forget blind Tousen Kaname and that creep Ichimaru Gin, if Aizen Sousuke had recruited _**Retsu **_into his ranks then Soul Society wouldn't fallen without bloodshed. Brrr. Could no one fight her evil?

"Zaraki appealed to Yamamoto-soutaichou for a release."

Soifon was immensely grateful for the longevity of shinigami, and prayed the old coot would outlive the sparkle woman.

Marechiyo's hand moved.

000

"The treatment is taking too long! Is there nothing more efficient in your stockade!"

"Certainly, Soifon-taichou. If you wish to overdose your lieutenant on super drugs, then by all means I will switch his medication."

It was a bath day. Soifon always got like this on bath days. Every few cycles of the sun someone would decide the brunette's unwashed body was more likely to kill Marechiyo than the poison rotting his soul and have a talk with Retsu who would tip off Yoruichi who would come and throw Soifon over her shoulder and off to the tub. Upon her return she would smell like daisies and sound like sauerkraut. Spending time away from her out-of-this-world lieutenant did not sit well with her.

She should've known better to pick a quarrel with Retsu even on an off day.

"Visitors' hours." Retsu's smile might've curdled blood, but Soifon's in veins flowed whiskey and nettle juice.

"Why now?"

"It has always been this way. Soifon-taichou merely chose to flout rules all this time."

"It'll be fine if I flout them some more, then?"

"Ah, I see a disagreement."

"Where?"

Out on the fucking curb, that's where. Yoruichi patted Soifon's head in voiceless understanding and brought her home. Soifon was brought up to speed on everything that had occurred since she'd turned elusive—reclusive—exclusive. There had been noises of concern made about the vaizards' fate. They'd been so helpful in the Winter War but they were so hollow-like and what about Shihouin Yoruichi, Urahara Kisuke, and Tsukabishi Tessai who had all rather unfairly been ousted from their positions by Sousuke's schemes? What about Kurosaki Isshin? Yamamoto Genryuusai (acting on behalf of the Central 46 for now) had told them sort it out their own damn selves. If they wanted to come back to Soul Society, welcome and if they didn't, screw them.

Urahara Kisuke opted to stay with his shop. Jinta and Ururu needed him, and he didn't need the Research Institute. (Yes, as if Mayuri would've given it up if he tried to make a claim. Over Nemu's dead body.) Hiyori who'd developed this pissy attitude towards shinigami and also a pissy loyalty to her no-longer captain chose Earth, thus abolishing all question of Shinji's return.

Yoruichi decided to go—her clan required a head, Kukaaku a friend and Soifon and Byakuya some serious explaining to. Besides she grew up as a princess and could get used to the old luxuries.

Yadomaru Lisa was compelled by both Kyoraku Shunsui and Ise Nanao to keep her desirable ass in their division, and lucky Shunsui found himself with _**two **_lieutenants.

Love, Rose, Kensei and Mashiro voted for the mortal world due to a multitude of factors. Tessai and Hachigen, however, agreed to take their old positions in the Kido Corps that had been stubbornly functioning in the intervening years with the third seat as Captain-acting.

Blah, blah, blah.

Soifon sulked.

She was really good at it.

Yoruichi noticed.

She was even better at not calling it.

000

When Unohana Retsu decided to heal something, that thing was healed. Come what may, hell to pay. Ukitake Jyuushiro was an _**anomaly, **_damn it, not the norm. Marechiyo opened his eyes and said:

"That woman. Here I lie on my deathbed and she still won't come to see me. Mine is a severely heartless captain."

Probably if Soifon (I just realized. That name is a sound only a cat should make. Hello Yoruichi, you slinky feline) had been allowed to be there at his moment of waking and no one else was, she might've let slip a tender word—or a gesture! You know, these things happen. At least Marechiyo might've later learnt of the determined indolence with which his captain had kept watch over his immobile form during those dark days of sweaty assassin. As it stood, Soifon didn't once visit him in the infirmary. The abyss of animosity between her and Retsu was too great to be traversed. If it had been an unconscious Marechiyo waiting for her on the other end the hornet—what?—might've attempted the crossing, but to face a wakeful, disrespectful, gargantuan _**shit **_that had caused her such humiliation at everyone's hands and would no doubt like the rest of Seireitei mistake her antipathy for empathy was so. Not. Worth it.

He bounced back into the office and she stared at his lips.

"Captain! I can't _**believe **_you."

She couldn't believe it either. Why were even the ugly men more feminine than Soifon? What the hell kind of man had lips so pretty?

"Antagonistic to a fault! Next time I will _**not **_bother."

"I never asked you to."

But of course he would, if he had to. And maybe next time, she would be brave enough to be there when he woke up.

**.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Soifon is **_**so gay **_**for Yoruichi but I still love the idea of her caring for her own lieutenant, despite fighting it. Downhill battles are so much fun to write for temperamental characters. **


End file.
